“Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. Its mother is inside the park.” We watched “Jaws 3-D” with our friends, the Dames of Doom themselves, Nicole and Tess from Doom Generation Podcast, and we’re cancelling our Sea World annual passes! We’d like to think there is some sort of continuity to the first two Jaws films, but the Brody brothers have been aged up faster than a baby on a soap opera. Dennis Quaid steps in as the eldest Brody bro, and he’s the head of attraction maintenance (or something) at Sea World Orlando, and he is VERY hot and heavy with the main marine biologist and animal trainer played by none other than Bess Armstrong (yes, the mom from My So-Called Life). Somehow, a mother great white shark is trapped in the park, and mama and baby are wreaking havoc. Younger Brody bro is afraid of the water (rightfully), but Lea Thompson and her sexy waterskiing wiles lure him in on several, many occasions. At some point, this turns more into a disaster movie than your average Jaws “thriller,” but the real-life Sea World setting makes the trapped tourists trope fun.  The 3D gags are pretty much an afterthought, but this movie is HIGH CAMP.  Big mama shark ramming headfirst into an undersea restaurant is Cinema! Listen, animal rights are a very real issue, and we’re not advocating for Sea World, but the trained dolphins giving us a perfect freeze-frame ending worthy of a Lisa Frank notebook is epic.

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